Parenting Attachment
Parenting Attachment Style Counselling
When you hear your own upbringing in the way you respond to your child, that recognition is a starting point, not a verdict.
How your own upbringing shapes how you parent
What attachment struggles in parenting can look like
Many parents notice they respond to their child in ways that echo their own upbringing, sometimes helpfully, sometimes not. It can show up as feeling distant even when you want closeness, reacting to your child’s behaviour in ways that surprise you, or noticing the same conflict pattern play out again and again. Attachment researcher Mary Main described four typical patterns parents fall into based on how they relate to their own early experiences: autonomous, dismissive, preoccupied, and disorganized. None of these labels are a verdict. They’re a starting point for understanding.
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How counselling helps you shift the pattern
A therapist helps you identify your own attachment pattern and understand how it’s shaping the way you relate to your child. From there, the work is practical: strategies and coaching aimed at building a stronger sense of self for your child and a steadier, more responsive relationship at home. Because attachment patterns can pass from parent to child, working on your own pattern is often the most direct way to shift the dynamic, not through willpower alone, but through new ways of responding that get practiced and reinforced.
You don’t need to understand your pattern first
You don’t need to fully understand your own attachment pattern before reaching out. That’s part of what counselling helps uncover.
You might recognize some of this
You can start where you are.
- Feeling disconnected or distant from your child despite wanting closeness
- Reacting to your child's behaviour in ways you don't fully understand
- Repeating patterns from your own childhood that you'd rather not
- Difficulty staying calm or present when your child is upset
- A sense that conflict with your child follows the same pattern each time
- Uncertainty about how your own early relationships shaped your parenting
This is a description of experiences, not a self-diagnosis checklist.
It may be time to talk to someone
You don't need to be in crisis to deserve support.
Consider reaching out if:
- You notice yourself repeating patterns from your own childhood
- Conflict with your child follows the same difficult pattern each time
- You want to understand how your own upbringing affects your parenting
- You're working through a family transition and want a steadier connection with your child
- You'd like practical ways to respond that build trust instead of distance
Noticing your own patterns in how you parent isn't a failure. It's where change actually starts.
Approaches a therapist may draw on
We match the approach to you, not the other way around. Your therapist may draw on one or several, depending on what fits.
Understand your patterns and relate to your child more steadily.
Helps parents identify the thought and behaviour patterns behind their attachment style and build steadier, more responsive ways of relating to their child.
Therapists who work this way: Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)Start with your own attachment pattern and how it shows up now.
Works directly with your own attachment pattern, how it formed and how it shows up now, as the basis for changing how you relate to your child.
Therapists who work this way: Attachment TherapyStrengthen the bond between parent and child, together.
Looks at the bond between parent and child as a relationship to be strengthened together, not just a behaviour to manage in the child alone.
Therapists who work this way: Family AttachmentA therapist who fits your situation
Our registered therapists have real experience helping people through what you are facing.
Dr. Cathryn Harris
Registered Psychologist
PhD, C.Psych.
Couples, Families, Individuals
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Cathy Penny
Registered Social Worker
BA, BSW, MSW, RRP, RSW
Couples, Families, Individuals
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Rev. Chad Tomlinson
Registered Psychotherapist
MTS, MEd, MA, OCT, RP
Couples, Families, Individuals
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Michelle Hodgson
Registered Social Worker
SSW, BA, BSW, MSW, RSW
Couples, Families, Individuals
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Michelle Pennells
Counsellor and Art Therapist
HBA, DTATI (Thesis Pending)
Families, Individuals
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Common questions
It's the pattern of relating that a parent developed based on their own early relationships, which in turn shapes how they connect with their own child. Researcher Mary Main described four typical patterns: autonomous, dismissive, preoccupied, and disorganized.
Research on attachment patterns shows they tend to be transmitted from parent to child: how a parent relates, shaped by their own history, influences how securely their child attaches. Understanding your own pattern is often the first step toward a different outcome.
A therapist helps you identify your own attachment pattern and coaches practical ways to respond to your child's behaviour that build more security and connection, aiming for more harmony at home.
No. Attachment patterns show up across childhood and adolescence, and the work applies to parents at any stage of their child's development.
Care you can lean on
Sessions with our registered therapists are covered by most extended health and workplace benefit plans. Not sure what yours includes? We're happy to help you check before you book.
Sessions typically start at $150 and vary by therapist. Not sure where to begin? Our Intake Specialists can talk through fees, coverage, and which therapist fits what you are facing. Call (905) 319-1488 during business hours.
Ready when you are. We're here to listen.
Browse our registered therapists and reach out when you're ready. We'll usually reply within one business day.