How Couples Counselling Can Strengthen Your Relationship
Made You Mad!
After a tiring day of work, you find yourself hesitating to open the car door. You stare at your front door, frozen, and think, ‘What happened?’ What happened to the joy we felt when we found this house that was going to be our home? We were so excited! And now you allow yourself to acknowledge, perhaps for the first time, that you have no want or desire to walk through that door. What happened?
Life is hard,
but never so hard as when your marriage or partnership is hurting.
All couples hurt. Yes, I said ALL. What is the difference between couples that are fulfilled in their marriage and those who are chronically unhappy? The happy couples have learned to do certain things well. However, hurting marriages and relationships can be restored to health. We have worked with thousands of couples over the last twenty years. If we could take a video camera into their homes, you would hear the stories of how they learned to create peace through learning effective communication and problem-solving skills. They would tell you amazing stories of loss, betrayal, and pain, but also stories of insight, forgiveness and hope.
Perhaps the most important thing they would say to you is that you also can improve your relationship, and that when your marital relationship is strong, the hard challenges of life are so much easier. You too can learn to focus and work on essential relationship skills.
The quick answer to, “Why it is so hard to communicate with my partner?”, is we assume that communication is easy. It is not! It is as complicated as matching fingerprints.
Secondly, we often wrongly think that because we do not have difficulty communicating with others, the problem of communicating must be with our partner. The real truth is that there is no other relationship like marriage to compare communication patterns with. This kind of relationship is a very rare, delicate and a beautiful rose whose beauty is dependent upon special care.
While you both may be speaking the same language, you are not using the same words for the same purpose. Some people are ‘word technocrats’ and the weight of the message is built totally on the definition of each actual word spoken. Others communicate with stories and metaphors that do not value the precise definition of words as much as the intended message. This one single difference in communication styles can totally frustrate people. Online therapy is a way to become more aware and accepting of your partner’s love language.
It takes work. It takes accepting that their communication style may not be yours. Try to seek to understand rather than to be understood.
Wow, this is a million-dollar question!
Begin by telling them to stop being difficult. Just kidding!
Because there are so many ways someone might actually be perceived as being difficult, it is a tough question.
However, the first thing you might want to do is choose to believe that they are not trying to be difficult just to bug you. This will lower your own natural defenses, helping you not take things so personally. This will improve your communication by at least 30%. A 30% return on your investment is not a bad return.
Welcome to marriage! No seriously, this is not unusual. However, sharing in the company of a therapist your desire to nonjudgmentally hear your partner clearly, letting your partner know what seems to get in the way of your listening or speaking, can be very helpful. As we age, we need to continue to sharpen our tools of communication. We need to do better. We can all benefit from a good therapist, whether face-to-face or online.
Sometimes they are not aware that they are not listening. Try not to personalize it. Often you have said something that has sent their brain off to think in another direction without them actually being aware of it This happens unconsciously. For many people (men more than women) listening for long periods of time takes a lot of concentration and it is hard work. For some, listening is completely exhausting. They just can’t keep up. Keep conversations short.
Let your partner know how important they are to you; that you do not want to take them for granted. Tell them you want to work with them to get the relationship back on track. Your relationship is a high priority. Ask them if they would be willing to work with you on it. Then call someone for help!
Therapists & Mental
- We’ve supported 35,000+ individuals
- Completed over 300,000 sessions to date.
- Country-wide network of therapists
Learn more about our couples & marriage therapists.
Some couple sucked at arguing! Disagreements quickly turned into power struggles. This can be debilitating. Our Bayridge therapist have the patience and expertise to help you understand your partners underlying triggers with compassion. This can be a game changer.
Who hasn’t said to themselves and perhaps their partner: if my wife/husband ever had an affair on me I would be gone!” Not only do couples not see it coming but they don’t always react like they thought they would. We help people in these situations every single week.
Resourceful and wise couples integrate and invest in a therapist relationship for long-term success. Just as they want a medical doctor or financial adviser to be watching over the most important things in their lives, they see the massive benefits of solid partnerships.
Partnering and marriage can be a difficult but incredible journey. When a couple gets stuck, the last thing they need to do is repeat the same pattern. Like a good golf coach, a therapist can see what a couple is doing that is not productive, so much better than the couple.
Therapists, through their expertise and unwavering acceptance, help you understand the needs of your husband and wife, to help reconnect you with your best friend.
To think that you can learn all there is to know about coupling just through osmosis and observation is underestimating the micro skills required to communicate and problem solve to harmoniously work and live together.
Through every enduring marriage there will be desert periods and rediscovery periods of love and gratitude.
A great marriage therapist has the personal strength to hold space even when the discussions became intense. They then help each one to understand that their partner is fighting hard for you to see what they need. Often it is respect!
Bayridge couple therapists weave ‘firm kindnesses’ into every session to cement each session with respect, allowing partners to hear sometimes difficult truths.
Learning to share with one another without hurting one another is a skill and art of great value.
It is the responsibility of every good partner to care for the condition of the relationship! Passivity, aggression, avoidance, or discomfort are not acceptable reasons not to address issues.