Listening Better in Relationships: A Letter to Men

In this article

Listening is one of the most useful relationship skills and one of the easiest to underestimate. When a partner is upset, the instinct to explain, defend, or solve the problem can take over before we have actually understood what they are trying to say.

This article began as a letter to men, based on responses the original writer received after asking women in his social network what they wished men understood about communication. Those responses are not universal truths about men or women, but they point toward a relationship skill that matters across genders: being able to listen with curiosity when a conversation feels uncomfortable.

A Letter to Men About Listening

Dear Modern Man,

Times are changing, and it can be hard to know what the “right” thing to do is. Every person is different, so broad rules about what men or women want will always have limits.

Still, after listening to many women describe what helped them feel more connected in relationships, one theme came up repeatedly: listen.

That sounds simple. In practice, it can be difficult.

1. Listening Can Trigger Defensiveness

If a partner raises a concern, it is easy to hear the conversation as criticism or an attempt to control you. Once defensiveness kicks in, the goal can shift from understanding the concern to proving that you are not wrong.

Listening does not mean agreeing with everything your partner says. It means understanding the point well enough to respond to what was actually said rather than the attack you feared was coming.

2. Listening Means Making Room for Another Perspective

Good listening requires temporarily setting aside the urge to make your own case. That can feel risky when you believe you are being misunderstood.

You can still explain your perspective. The order matters. When both people are competing to be understood first, neither usually feels heard.

3. Listening Takes Attention

Sometimes a partner wants to talk when you are tired, distracted, or in the middle of something else. Pretending to listen while checking a screen or thinking about another task usually communicates disinterest even when that was not the intention.

If you genuinely cannot give the conversation attention in that moment, it can be better to say so directly and agree on a specific time to return to it.

4. Listening Can Be Inconvenient

Relationships involve interruptions. A request for connection does not always arrive at the ideal time.

That does not mean every conversation must happen immediately. It does mean noticing the story you tell yourself about the interruption. If you decide your partner is deliberately trying to annoy you, you are likely to respond very differently than if you see the same moment as an imperfect attempt to connect.

5. Listening Does Not Always Require a Solution

Problem-solving can be useful, but not every difficult feeling is a problem your partner is asking you to fix.

A simple question can help: “Do you want help thinking this through, or do you mostly want me to listen?”

That gives the other person a chance to say what kind of support would actually be useful.

How to Listen Better in a Relationship

Be Curious Before You Defend Yourself

When you feel the urge to interrupt or correct a detail, try asking one more question first. Curiosity slows the conversation down and helps you understand what the concern means to your partner.

Give the Conversation Your Attention

Put down the phone when possible. Make eye contact if that feels comfortable for both people. Reflect back what you think you heard rather than assuming you understood it perfectly the first time.

Notice What Gets Activated in You

Some conversations touch pride, shame, fear of failure, fear of being controlled, or old experiences of criticism. If you notice yourself shutting down or becoming combative, ask what feels threatened before deciding your partner is the problem.

That kind of self-awareness is also part of helping clients tell their stories in therapeutic dialogue and developing greater self-awareness through counselling.

The Payoff of Listening Well

Listening does not solve every relationship problem. It does make repair more possible. People who feel understood are often better able to stay engaged in a difficult conversation and more willing to consider another perspective in return.

If communication repeatedly turns into defensiveness, shutdown, escalation, or the same unresolved argument, couples counselling can help both partners understand the pattern and practice a different way of responding.

KJ Coupland, M.Div., RP — original article author