No Pointing Fingers: How Blame Damages Marriage and What to Do Instead

In this article

In marital conflict, spouses often point at the other in an attempt to blame the situation on the other. Rarely do they see themselves as playing an important part in the demise. Couples therapy can help both spouses take responsibility for their actions and work toward healthier communication. In a pious attempt to appear humble, they may admit, “I know I’m not perfect.” Yet upon hearing them blame their partner, you might wonder if they really believed that. It is clear that at some primitive level, we often have difficulty owning our own dysfunction.

Why Spouses Point Fingers During Conflict

When marital conflict escalates, it often empties us out, or as some put it, it empties our own emotional tank. Emotional wellness is crucial in maintaining a balanced relationship during difficult times. Most have no idea how to constructively fill that up. Since we are addicted to portraying ourselves in the best light, we often resort to “flesh polishing” in an attempt to get refilled.

What Is “Flesh Polishing” in Relationships?

So what is “flesh polishing?” This is where we try to make ourselves look better or play the victim, so that on the outside (the flesh part), we look innocent. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can help address such defensive behaviours and promote healthier coping strategies. Yet if it takes two to build a marriage, it also takes two to unbuild it. Rarely is marital conflict a result of just one spouse’s inappropriate behaviour. Marriage counselling can help both spouses recognize their roles in the conflict and develop solutions together.

How Blame Becomes a Defence Mechanism

When we flesh polish, we often point fingers in an attempt to make the other totally responsible for the problem(s). Anger management therapy can help individuals manage frustration and reduce the tendency to blame others. Our personal emptiness causes what would seem like a reflexive response of blaming.

Such a move rarely affects a humble hearing by the spouse receiving the blame. In fact they often feel they must defend. Again, that desire to escape acknowledging our own dysfunction kicks in. Even if the blaming information could be attested as valid and true by a panel of Supreme Court justices, one would often feel the need to defend.

The issue clearly becomes not the validity of the blameful information but how that information is shared.

Blaming as an Awkward Invitation for Connection

I often find that blaming is a rather awkward way of inviting your spouse to fill your tank. Couples communication therapy can help spouses learn to communicate more effectively and build emotional intimacy. It is like the little boy who has a crush on the girl who sits in front of him in class. He doesn’t know how to express that very well and is afraid of what might happen if he did. So he communicates this attraction by doing things that someone older would see as sabotaging and not inviting. Maybe he will trip her on the playground or put her ponytail in the proverbial ink well. He is desperately trying to gain her attention, but does so in ways that cause her to separate rather than draw closer. I often wonder if this is not the same mechanism a spouse employs when they use caustic blaming. Not recognizing how empty they feel and how much they ache for intimacy, they resort to behaviour that actually sabotages that goal, just like the little boy does. Online counselling can help individuals and couples recognize these patterns and begin to shift toward healthier ways of connecting.

Blaming can also indicate attention getting. A spouse resorts to blaming in an effort to gain some kind of attention. Perhaps they feel ignored or their spouse is passive aggressive and quietly broods. Attention, even if it is acidic is better than no attention at all. Some couples are kept together simply by the mere fact of arguing.

Moving From Blame to Resolution in Couples Counselling

No matter how you look at it, though, one spouse is really trying to attempt to connect; inappropriately, albeit. For the therapist, it can sometimes seem hopeless when they witness such angry blaming, but one should actually be encouraged because it is a clear sign that both are still willing to work at improving their situation. At Bayridge Counselling Centres, therapy for conflict resolution can guide couples to move from blame to resolution. The important shift is to move away from the list of blame and move into discussing what is needed. It is always better to dwell on the solution than on the problem.

If you recognize patterns of blame in your relationship, exploring related topics can help. Understanding your own beliefs, values, morals, assumptions and attitudes can shed light on why conflict triggers you. For couples where communication has broken down, learning why men find it difficult to talk about their problems may offer additional perspective. Sometimes, small things could signify a bigger problem beneath the surface of daily arguments. And when the pain of conflict feels overwhelming, the principle that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional can be a grounding reminder. For couples navigating extended family tensions, steps to deal with difficult in-laws may also be relevant.