Grief Shows Up in the Darnedest Places
In this article
What Is Grief and How Does It Show Up?
Grief is a natural emotional response to loss. While we often associate grief with the death of a loved one, it can also arise from any significant loss—a missed milestone, a cancelled trip, a change in routine, or even the loss of a sense of safety. Grief shows up in unexpected places, often when we least expect it, and for reasons that might not fit our traditional idea of what should cause grief. Many of us believe we should only grieve when someone we care about dies, but there are many losses that can trigger grief. Based on conversations over the past few years and living through the COVID-19 pandemic, it seems many of us have experienced grief both individually and collectively. Never before has the entire world felt the same acute threat as it did during that time, and the effects continue to ripple through our lives.
Why Grief Can Appear in Unexpected Ways
The grief experience is often a combination of many emotions and thoughts such as fear, sadness, anxiety, anger, guilt, rejection, and depression. Experiencing so many thoughts and emotions can make it difficult to notice or understand exactly what we are feeling and thinking. We often don’t think of it as grief—we may just feel irritable or restless, or have difficulty focusing on anything. So when we think of the losses connected with COVID and the threat and uncertainty to our health and that of our family and friends, our finances, and our lifestyle, it is understandable that grief is showing up.
Grief shows up in the darnedest places means that no matter what it is, even if you think it seems trivial, if it is important to you, grief may show up. Maybe it is that once-in-a-lifetime trip to Europe, your university graduation, visiting your parents in another province or country after the birth of your first child, celebrating your retirement, or simply hugging your adult children who live far away. You may even be grieving alone time and at the same time feel guilty for feeling this way. Or the opposite—you may miss going into work, coffee with your colleagues, or even your work space. Before the pandemic, you may have wished for the day you could just work from home! Acknowledging your grief is important because it calls for the need to practice self-compassion.
How to Practice Self-Compassion When Grief Shows Up
Self-compassion is more critical now than ever, partly because we are experiencing so much loss all at once and for prolonged periods, and we may not have the same support of family and friends that we used to—or at least not in the same way, like getting a big hug. And just when we need the support of others, we may also need to provide that emotional support to others, so it is important to fill up our own glass through self-compassion so our strength and resilience isn’t depleted.
By flexibly noticing what you are feeling and thinking, in this moment, without judgement, you are bringing your thoughts and feelings into the light—a first step in practicing self-compassion. Compassion means “to suffer together,” and we know it requires us to be kind and gentle. Too often when painful or distressing feelings and thoughts show up, we try to distract ourselves or suppress or avoid them because we don’t want to deal with them. And no surprise, the more we try not to think or feel, the more those darn thoughts and feelings demand our attention! If I were to say, “don’t think about ice cream,” what do you think you will think about?
At the core of self-compassion is kindness—being kind to yourself. So often it is easy to show kindness to others and so difficult to give it to ourselves. Too often we are quick to criticize ourselves, our thoughts, and our feelings by comparing ourselves to others, telling ourselves that what we are upset about is trivial, that others have lost way more, or that we should be stronger. Self-criticism and berating ourselves with negative thoughts is the opposite of self-kindness. So telling yourself it is okay to feel what you are feeling and validating your emotions without letting them consume you is practicing self-kindness. Tell yourself you are doing the best you can do with the experience and knowledge you have in this moment. Practicing non-judgement is practicing kindness. Being kind also means trying to let go of our painful thoughts and feelings, like watching clouds in the sky float away.
Grief Counselling in Ontario
At Bayridge Counselling Centres, we understand that grief can be complex and deeply personal. Our registered psychotherapists, social workers, and psychologists across Ontario provide supportive, evidence-based counselling for grief and loss. Whether you are navigating the loss of a loved one, a major life transition, or the quieter losses that accumulate over time, we are here to help you process your feelings with compassion and care. If you are struggling with grief that feels overwhelming or persistent, reaching out for professional support can be a meaningful step toward healing.
Moving Forward with Kindness
As you enjoy these summer days with a return of some of our pre-COVID freedoms, pay attention and try to notice what feelings and thoughts are showing up, and then try to let them go. Be kind to yourself and know that grief is showing up in the darnedest places for everyone. You are not alone.
Stay safe.
