3 Questions to Ask Yourself That Can Improve Your Parenting

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Improving your parenting often starts with looking at your own reactions, expectations, and boundaries. The following three questions are worth thinking through slowly rather than answering on instinct. It can also be useful to ask a partner or someone who knows your parenting well what they notice.

1. Am I Modelling the Behaviour I Want to See?

It is easy to tell a child not to yell, interrupt, avoid responsibilities, or react impulsively. It is harder to notice when adults are modelling the same behaviour under stress.

This principle applies well beyond anger. If you want your child to solve problems flexibly, it helps to model flexible problem-solving yourself. If you want them to apologize after hurting someone, let them see adults take responsibility too.

Children do not copy everything parents do, but they learn a great deal from how the adults around them handle frustration, mistakes, conflict, and repair.

2. Am I Afraid That Saying No Will Create Distance or Conflict?

Children and teenagers need limits, even when they dislike them. Problems can develop when a parent becomes so worried about upsetting the child that boundaries change whenever the child protests strongly enough.

A limit does not have to be harsh to be firm. Parents can acknowledge disappointment or anger while still holding a reasonable boundary. The goal is not to avoid every conflict; it is to respond to conflict without making the child responsible for the parent’s need to feel liked or reassured.

3. Do I See My Child’s Behaviour as an Extension of Myself?

Parents often feel embarrassed, guilty, or angry when a child behaves poorly because it can feel as though the behaviour reflects directly on them.

Parents are responsible for guidance, safety, modelling, and reasonable limits. Children are still developing their own ability to make choices and manage emotions. Seeing every mistake as proof of your success or failure as a parent can make it harder to respond calmly.

Try to separate the behaviour from your identity as a parent. That makes it easier to focus on what the child needs to learn and what response is most useful in the moment.

For more on family communication, see Communication Problems in Families. If you are dealing with challenging behaviour, Parent Training for ADHD and Challenging Behaviour in Children and Adolescents may also be useful.